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What was I thinking when I was 33?

Ten years ago, my blog looked very different: http://goo.gl/reEoEq

Here is a sample of some of the things I was thinking ten years ago:

There are two reasons you get paid

  • You do something that no one else can
  • You do something that no one else wants to

A job is filled with varying combinations of the two.

But, I’ve learned that my true job is this:

Make my boss look good

I believe that it really is that simple.

Then…

I was running from myself…

…and he caught up with me.

I cannot deny the source of my salvation.  The harder I try to understand how a universe can exist without a creator, the more I learn that I am on the wrong path.  Lately, God has revealed himself to me as an infinitely awesome, self-similar universe with infinite decision points.  He is the very thing that I have been attempting to use to convince myself that he does not exist.  He is a paradox.

Seeking to somehow disprove truth by filling my mind with mythology has taught me a lot about who I am.  I didn’t realize that the lesson to be learned had little to do with the moral of the story.  The moral is there to give you a hint as to what the deeper truth will be (assuming you are looking and assuming you are allowed to find it).  I’ve also learned that the seeking of unholy information is the very act that prevents you from having access to it.  An infinite journey in search of nothing but the journey itself.  A downward spiral.

There is more.  I have seen it.  In the past two weeks of my life, I have been blessed with a renewed sense of faith.  I have witnessed a wonderful vision directly from my dreams.  I suddenly realize that I now clearly see the American dream.

I’m ready to live that dream.  I love this country.

In God we trust.  I do not see a limit to what I can do as long as I implement his service interface.

That last line about the service interface was a reference to a technology that I was working on at the time. A little geek speak.

About 20 years ago, I had a breakthrough in my life.  I finally determined which direction I was going to take with my life.

When I did, I came up with these lyrics…

They know what you want.
Everything they’ve got.
Take a look and see
your own reality.

They’ve got what you want,
you only have to pay.
I’ll do my own thing
until I find a way.

Show them who you are.
The real thing they can sell.
You have to make a choice:
Happiness or Hell.

Life was very difficult back then. I was living in poverty living from paycheck to paycheck. Of course, I somehow always found money for party supplies. Life is much better now and I’m glad I survived those dark days.

About ten years ago, for a short time, I was posting controversial topics on my blog. I was exploring these subjects from varying points of view and I stirred up a lot of trouble for myself. Here is a post towards the end where I essentially give up and go underground:

I’m married.  Why does that matter?  Well, because I can have a two-way discussion with my wife about my thoughts and personal opnions and we can actually learn more about each other as we’re doing it.  If I say something stupid, silly, or devoid of verifiable fact, she will forgive me and we can both learn from it.

When I post my current thoughts on my weblog, I’m only posting a snapshot of who I am…at that moment.  We humans are complicated beings, and I’m no exception.  Therefore, when I learn something that causes me to change my mind about something, I just look silly since I didn’t really totally share what I think.  It’s a one-way conversation that boils down to one horrible thing… vanity.

Therefore, I will return to only posting upbeat, useful technical entries and the occasional friendly, non-abrasive posts that provide a glimpse into my life by using artwork, music, or photographs.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I just can’t spend the time I need to spend to communicate to you who I really am.  All I’ve managed to do is attract the “me too” readers and repel the “you’re an idiot” readers.  Honestly, I liked my blog better when I was just helping out.  There was little in the way of offensive posts and most of the comments were thanking me for helping them with a particularly difficult problem.

In the end, all of my advisors were correct, it just isn’t worth it to risk my career and the well-being of my family by posting pro-marijuana, anti-republican, arrogant topics, even if I don’t intend them to be taken seriously (and many times they were hypocritical in nature due to their tongue-in-cheek delivery).  I’m learning that people are taking it seriously and I just don’t want the trouble any more.  I’m also losing good friends that I would otherwise be able to keep if I was having a real conversation.

Thanks for sticking with me through these times, but I can’t continue like this.  This weblog has caused me a great deal of grief lately, and it was all due to a mix of arrogant pride and mischievous whimsey.

If you truly want to get to know me, send me an email, invite me to Google talk or Skype, or hang out with me in the Atlanta area.  I’m going back underground.  I just can’t take the risk any more.

This blog will now return to its regularly scheduled geek fest…

I had a personal meltdown shortly after that and went into hiding about a year later. My blog readers got to witness my self destruction. I’ve lost a lot of followers since then because my content wasn’t useful anymore. Luckily, my good friends stuck around and I’ve managed to get back into the swing of things and have a positive contribution again.

I’ve certainly learned a lot in the last ten years and I look forward to what I will earn in the next ten! If you ever need advice on what not to post on your personal blog (or Twitter or Facebook), let me know. I’d be glad to assist you in avoiding big trouble.